On February 14th this year, I had lunch with my favourite “social worker” of Malaysia and dinner on February 15th with my favourite “social worker” of Singapore. Here are 2 ladies who inspire me.
The birthdays of Ananti Rajasingam and Melissa Aratani Kwee, falls a few days before Valentine’s Day.
This story should address my trauma connected to memories around February 14th, stretching back to my era of self destruction.
I am relieved to share that I have overcome Valentine’s Day and I now have love in my heart everyday (up to 366 days during leap years). It is also important for me to declare my intense love for impact making and the types of relationships I prioritise.
Proudly I am a collaboration-junkie, most of the time, while it is also a full time hobby to chase mentorship with people who has leadership in the topics I study. I never look for romance – I dislike being misunderstood and would become disagreeable over this.
On Ananti’s birthday, I thanked God for her parents having conceived her that she was born to serve her highest sole purpose. She was undoubtedly built for the work that has kept her lit.
Ananti being the point person of Yayasan Chow Kit, has been a great collaborator and enabler of my social impact initiatives for over a decade. She became a sister I love with all my heart. I have grown and healed through this sisterhood, a journey that unfurls a better vision for me each year.
Whenever Ananti is on a break from saving children in devastation – between all her other roles being a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend – I cherish that she makes time to be my friend! MY FRIEND!
God’s abundant love comes through Ananti often – clearly I am not the only recipient of her compassion.
This year I had no budget to treat Ananti to a special birthday meal, but instead she asked if I was free on February 14th (her day off) and invited me to enjoy a sashimi buffet on her dime.
Ananti was the safest person for me to see on Valentine’s Day! Now that it is many days after February 14th, I shall emote about it.
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I tried to deliberate a hermit agenda on the week surrounding Valentine’s Day because the last years proved to be a bit of a landmine. Let’s call it VDay from here on.
While VDay do not mean anything to me nowadays, there will be certain quarters from my private circles who would be highly inquisitive about who I spent time with on VDay. If you have ever called me on February 13th or 15th onwards, just to ask me who is on my February 14th calendar – well well, this story is for you. Kinda.
The larger reason that I write is for catharsis.
Last year, Ash Wednesday fell on February 14th and I attended service at a grand old church in Kuala Lumpur with a friend (a highly respected man from one of my industries). We were joined by his future SIL. Unwittingly, that led to an unexpected explosion of post-event drama when I was asked about what I did and who I saw on February 14th.
A landmine erupted with one step on an unknown bomb buried beneath the surface of the ground.
Due to the scarring memories that lingered, despite how tight my deadlines were this year, I deliberately did not schedule any project meetings with male collaborators. I simply do not need to cause any absurd grief for myself or others.
I went mute and refrained from communication with any male person for about 50 hours or so. If work required me to text a male person, I conveyed my professional intentions in as few words as I knew how. This was my reaction to compounded trauma.
My social distancing of epic paranoia, is perhaps how I will be, moving forward. Not just for Februaries, but maybe every month of my life – I shall economise my words – to curb expectations from men posing as potential art collectors, to discourage married dudes from finding excuses for daily small talk or to stop receiving the “hello darling” messages that I unwelcome on my phone.
In the life span of my romantic eligibility, I probably celebrated (or tolerated) only two handful of VDays. And what a farce that was – while I must take accountability for my immaturity in past romantic relationships.
What I have learned is that romantic relationships void of wisdom are buffoonery. (Life without wisdom is bufoonery.)
Before going any further I must first lay the premise that love comes in four forms; AGAPE, STORGE, PHILIA and EROS. Then there is the confusing phenomenon called LUST that likes to be in deceitful fraternity with eros.
Romantic love is eros. Eros is emotional and can drive the parties to self destruct, under the guise of love. Eros alone brings eventual devastation.
I do not remember when this happened to my heart, but I no longer seek eros nor can I be activated by it. Eros is not good news, it more often lead to fake news when expected to hold up on its own without the other forms of love. No longer do I have a man I consider the love of my life. I am comforted about this spiritual development.
I love God with all my heart.
Eros is not important to me, neither is VDay. If the adam to my eve does exist, I know it will be by God’s appointment. Bar none. I’m willing to accept that there is no adam for me.
I want to be married but my secret criteria for the man is ridiculous, and I am dedicated to a life of celibacy since over a decade ago. A few times I backslid, I learnt painful truths about myself and I became convinced of where I stand on this matter.
Celibacy was an important pivot and career choice for me as a female artist. It has also established itself as a pledge of obedience to my walk with God. My God is the one in the Bible.
Speaking of fake news, I know some people read somewhere that I got married. As much as I appreciated the convenience, it is not true. That announcement was purely to throw some unnecessary interests off my scent. I apologise to those who got hurt by it. I AM SORRY.
While I like to shop in stealth, it is time I reframe myself.
“I AM NOT AVAILABLE”.
This first part of the story got too long to accommodate the remaining points of my current ruminations. I will write a continuation piece later about the true love of my life and then my favourite “social worker” of Singapore.
Thank you Ananti for being my VDay alibi this year. The amount of fish we devoured was criminal.